I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
