I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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