Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
