I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
