Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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