then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
