Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i believe in u and ur pee
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
