just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
