i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
