I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
