Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
