she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize