She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
