it was like his penis was on wheels.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
