I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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