It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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