Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
