My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
