The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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