I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
