thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
