You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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