Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
