I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
