Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize