I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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