Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
