she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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