listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
