Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
