I need to stop coming to work sober
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
