tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
