This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
