the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize