This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
