I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
