The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
