dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
