i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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