She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
being pregnant is like rehab
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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