Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We were destined to go to rehab together
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
