I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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