im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
