Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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