Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
