I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
