How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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