Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize