yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
