i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
