She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
