I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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