you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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