I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
