I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
