Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
