If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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