I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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