watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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