1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
