A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
