I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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