I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
