girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
